Long time no post. No time to post.. I'm going to try* to post more frequently, we'll see how that goes.. Last I posted I was dieting down for a show. Did I compete? No. My metabolism bottomed out and I stopped losing weight, and I started having digestive issues out of the blue, so in order to get healthy again, I stopped competition prep. Im no longer with a coach/trainer and I'm working toward my CPT cert with NASM. I developed an allergy/ intolerance to gluten, and I'm still trying to get my digestive health back. This is the realities of dieting too long. Now I can't completely blame whatever is happening with my digestive system on metabolism, as all this happened against the backdrop of one the most stressful times of my life.. Either way gluten is gone from my diet, and that has made a huge difference. I've also added probiotics and digestive enzymes, which seem to be helping. Soon I will have answer whats been going on ( a series of expensive tests.. had a ct scan and ultrasound thus far) and why it was literally over night, but at least for the most part and most days I'm back to normal.
Am I going to compete? I don't know. At this point I don't think so. I'm really enjoying lifting and the fun/relaxing part of my day it is. I'm also enjoying eating and not stressing about it. I'm following flexible dieting and eating 1 gram of protein per pound of body weight, .4 grams of fat per pound pf body weight and my carbs I'm very very slowly bringing up (by slowly bring up carbs you allow your metabolism to adjust to keep fat/weight gain at the minimum) to hit and eventual 200g a day (which would put me at my maintenance caloric intake). Something I've needed to do long before I tried to compete. Maybe once I know my metabolism is healthy and I want a fun challenge, I will consider it. But I've come realize I don't need a trophy and a bedazzled suit to feel comfortable in my skin. I don't need a show date to work out. That I enjoy pushing myself and my body without a deadline or an audience. So that's where I am. I'm excited looking forward as I'm hitting PR's, lifting the most weight I've ever lifted, stepping outside my comfort zone trying new things (zombie run this month!), and seeing my body changing without the scrutiny that doing a show had me thinking. Plus knowing my last 3 years of weight training and the years and years of disordered eating has prepared me to help future clients out the same mentality I had to break out of.
 What is great is I'm seeing big changes in parts of my physique that I couldn't seem to build before, thanks greatly to muscle imbalances. My exam studying has really helped my training and my approach to training. After I've completed my cpt exam, I'm doing a nutrition certification.
 So there's my little update, next blog I will write more about metabolism and metabolic damage in my next post.
 

Change of plans

 I've been working towards a NPC show in August. The last few weeks I've been panicked because I've been leaning out so slowly, I didn't think I'd be lean enough. I talked with my coach and we've pushed back the show date and aiming for one at the end of September. What I love about my coach is she isn't rushing me, I'm not doing extreme dieting, hence the slower weight loss, and she's guiding me. Thanks to her, I'm learning how to live this as a lifestyle, and that's ultimately what I want, not check a competition box and rebound. If I don't think I'm ready for that one, there's always a later one. I feel so much more relieved and the stress I've been feeling is lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad I'm not rushing to compete. Me competing is a result of my new lifestyle change, not the other way around, like it was feeling. I have 11 weeks until the show and 16 weeks if I do the other. I'm heading in the right direction, and I will get there. The good news I have a suit, my shoes, more time to practice posing, and financially more time to save for a few things like tanning, nails and/or makeup by pros (I was going to be doing it all by myself for august). So that's the update.. Stay tuned for more. :)

progress 8 weeks

Here's a little progress. The first is from april the second  middle june and the one on right today. I'm still far away from where I need to be for my competition and from where I want to be. My posing sucks and I need a tan.. I covered my face because pictures either looked like a mug shot or I'm smiling like a fool..
 Its been slow.. or maybe I had higher expectations?.Either way, it has had me cursing my genetics, which seem like I was meant to be flabby.. I know where I want to be, I'm hoping I get there.  I've tried to keep myself in check as to set unreasonably high expectations for myself, which is something I've done in the past. But I've seen many women achieve what I;m trying, so I know it possible. I still have 8 weeks. A lot can happen in 8 weeks. If I continue at snails pace as I have been, though, I might have to push my show date back. I am competitive and I do want to bring my best. I'm going to keep my head down and keep on pushing.

Can I get a hell ya?

 I'm leaning out, but its been small changes here, small changes there, little by little. Its had me wondering if I'm doing it right, if there is something wrong with me or my metabolism.. ect. Change, even small change is good, but I've also been thinking, "come on!!!! I'm working hard, I want to see definite change!". My weight has been about the same since I started. I was 140 lbs, and dropped down to 138/139 after 2 weeks, and then I stayed there. Hovering.. I dreaded every Saturday when I weighed myself for what was coming. But finally I'm 137! Here's hoping it continues, slow still I want to keep muscle, but actually moving down as I lean out. More muscle is showing through, I'm finally starting to feel like a competitor.
 I'm excited and nervous for the next 11.5 weeks. I still can't visualize myself on stage yet, but I'm looking forward to getting there. I'm coming into this competition a little different than most competitors. Not to say I haven't had visions of winning and so on.. but I just want to get on the stage, and be proud of the hard work that got me there. Last year threw me and my self confidence so much, I'm looking forward to having a moment where I can say, "I did it, I overcame a tough situation, and the inner demons". Maybe down the road my mentality will be more competitive, but for now I'll just be happy to be there. I'm thankful for the mindset I have. I feel I'm more balanced. I'm much more concerned about my metabolism, and my mind going in and coming out of this. I've worked really hard to have a healthy metabolism and even harder to have a healthy mindset. I don't want to throw that out the window for a competition.
 This last week I got one of the first items on the list of things I need for my competiton. My shoes. 

 My daughter commented on them being very tall, and my hubby asked me where to put the dollar bills.. They were surprisingly more comfortable than I though they'd be. I just need to work on not looking drunk while walking in them. Now to get the suit.. :)

Week 4.5

 I took my monthly progress pictures this last weekend. To be honest I was really discouraged before I took them. The changes I had felt seemed so small. While I am lifting heavier and heavier every week in the gym, I wasn't seeing the progress I thought I should be. I was expecting my monthly progress pictures to further spiral me into despair city.. But I was so blown away. The changes between the before and the now were amazing. (I'm not ready to post pics just yet as I'm still quite a ways from where I want to be.. maybe after next months) It totally gave me the push I needed to go harder in the gym this week 
 This whole process has been such a fun ride. I started down this path at the perfect time (life is cool like that). Setting the goals I have and adapting the lifestyle to achieve them have been one avenue that I've been able to see some inner strength I didn't know I had. Its been an amazing tool that has reinstated that value is not controlled by anyone else, but myself. I can't tell you how essential learning just that has been for me. I love the company flag nor fail. (Sadly, I only have one shirt from them, though). But they just released a new shirt design that spoke volumes to me and I felt it so perfectly fit what I've learned this last year. "Create your worth". I've always relied on people to make me feel worthy, and that's a pretty unreliable way to find worth.. Doing that just about destroyed me. I've allowed myself into crummy situations because I didn't think I was worth the fight, or had value. I've been overcoming some serious hurdles in the gym and personally, but before I could make any progress I had to decide I was worth it. Just like my physical progress, I still have quite a ways to go. One thing for sure, I'm not going back to the person I used to be.

week one of figure prep

 Last week was my first week of competition prep. Not much changed from before besides my macros changed a bit, and I added cardio. My biggest thing is and has been food. I've been hitting my macros, but it not quiet science yet. My goal for this week is too keep hitting my macros, and figure out meal planning and prep that isn't too overwhelming for my laid back self as well as doesn't take away from my family.
 Training it going really good. I really can't wait to see changes in my physique. I feel it in certain areas (my butt seems to get better and better.. which is a miracle), but I have yet (I just started prep..) to see any changes.. I'm looking forward to seeing abs, with bulking I lost all definition (the very little bit) I had. So it will be nice to not be so squishy there. Its been bugging me, especially seeing so many ab pictures on instagram and other places. I have to remind myself that many of those chicks haven't had kids.. let alone 2. My abs will have their day in the sun, for now they are hiding under a fat blanket..
 Its funny how much my tune towards cardio has changed since I began incorporating weights.. I used to love it. Thankfully for now, its only 3x a week and for 20 mins..When doing intervals it goes very fast. Its nice I don't have to kill myself doing cardio. I see a lot of people spending 30-40 mins, sometimes 2x a day. Sure they are getting results, but I know myself, and that's hardly something I could maintain for a long period of time without burning out. I'd rather take a more manageable, non damaging to my metabolism route. Even though cardio is not my favorite thing to do, the way I'm doing it, its fun, something I could maintain (if I needed) without feeling burned out, and like weight training, I can try to "pr" every time I do it.
 That is about all I have to update for now. In a few weeks I will start posing practice and get my suit ordered. Very exciting!!

lane change, post on marriage

Here's the thing, Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Its full of heartache, temptation, and challenges. There will come a time when the trials of life test your marriage. What will it reveal? For us it revealed a lot of misconceptions, hurt, anger, and revealed communication on the hard things had gone flat. It also revealed how desperately forgiveness and transparency was needed. When you join in marriage you are no longer two entities.You are one. All your previous mistakes, ideas, secrets, everything has to be revealed to your spouse. Your spouse is your God given sharpener. They will be what God uses to refine and shape you. If you can't be open about everything, they can't cant be used to sharpen you.
 Husband is called to love his wife. This love goes beyond patting her on the head and looking at her as the weaker. But sharing with her, using her as a sound board for ideas, allowing her to express herself and remembering God gave her to you and her wisdom and foresight and hindsight and weaknesses. She is valuable. Don't ever miss a moment of making it known to her, her value to you. If you've said it 100 times, say it 100 more. Her self worth hinges on the husband, as does the husbands self worth hinges on the wife. Don't take that for granted. No one can tear down or disparage like the spouse.
The wife is called to respect. Understand that your husband has a God given ability to lead and make decisions, allow him to do so. He was brought into your life to lead you and love you as Christ the church. Not only does the wife need to allow her husband to lead, but he needs to hear you are proud of him, that you trust him. As the wife you need to know part of your job is heaps of forgiveness. Unlike our heavenly bride-groom, our spouses are fallible, human. And they make mistakes. A wife needs to be quick to forgive and encourage. Always be his biggest fan, his loudest cheerleader, don't let that role be filled by anyone else.

 Even though we've been married a short time, we've encountered quite a few hardships. In these trials, hardships, and mistakes God has revealed some wisdom to us, that we feel are so important to a healthy, God centered marriage.
 1. Set boundaries/ perimeters for  the opposite sex. Example: at work neither of us can be alone with the opposite sex. You want to eliminate even the slightest possibility of temptation as well put in a foundation of trust.
 2. Pray for your spouse. Pour over them in prayer. Then tell them, open that communication, God may be pressing on your heart a something they need or need to hear. Its also encouraging to know what your spouse prays over you. Be sure to share respectably.
 3. Go on dates. Make it a habit. When children come it will be difficult, but they are so necessary for intimacy and open communication.  As well as make a habit to take time away. Especially so when you have children, but take time to be just the two of you with no time constraints, deadlines, or chores. Overnight, weekend, week in a hotel, camping, at home with the kids at the grandparents, whatever will fit in your budget and schedule. Make it a priority, even if its just once a year. A healthy marriage needs a break from the ordinary.
 4. Surround yourself with pro marriage support. Make sure friends and family are so for your marriage, that even when your spouse sins against or hurts you, they push you back toward your spouse. Friends that take your side aren't helping.. If they aren't for your marriage, they are against it.
 5. Talk about/ discover you and spouses love language. You should know how your spouse communicates and receives love, do so often. But be sure you are communicating in all love languages as well.
 6. Counseling is not for the broken marriage only. If ever a time you feel off, seek counsel. Its better to humble yourself at the first sign of distress to prevent disaster than use it to piece a broken marriage back together.
 7. Put trust in God, not your spouse. They are human. They make mistakes. They will fail you. God won't. He loves you and your spouse and is always fighting for your marriage. If you both are placing your trust in God, God will be tightening your bond in marriage.
8. Sexual intimacy begins before intercourse. Learn what makes your spouse tick. Learn to be spontaneous. A healthy, satisfying sex life is a sign or symptom of a healthy marriage, unlike the common thought that sex=healthy marriage. If your having issues in the bedroom, time to evaluate other areas of marriage.
9. Don't put focus that should be going to your spouse, on anything else. In the list of priorities its first God then spouse. If anything comes before your partner, your priorities are out of whack. Especially when children are in the picture. They will thrive in the security and love of the priorities being god, spouse, children.
10. Your spouse is on your side, on all issues. Create an environment of honesty by establishing this. If your spouse knows you fight with them not against there is no secret, no sin, no hurt that should not be spoken. Sometimes what your spouse struggles with or is bothered with will hurt, but don't forget its you both against the problem. Your spouse need the support, encouragement and love, not another opponent. Being an opponent will only push your spouse farther and break intimacy.
11. There is no challenge/sin/trial to big for God. This one is really important. Its easy for us to want to give up and throw in the towel, heck half of marriages do, but nothing is too hard for God to solve. Just as you trusted God with your marriage in the beginning, trust God with it when its hard. He has a plan for your marriage, even in the bleakest of situations.

 I know we have a lot more to learn in the coming years of marriage. Even the above is challenging to put into practice as its so easy to get comfortable or harbor anger/hurt.But what a wonderful journey marriage is. Its sometimes hard, but its also a blessing to share life with your spouse. 

 After a marathon of influenza, things got more interesting and my kids decided to break a arm and get the worst stomach flu in the history of stomach flu, in the same week. Resulting in 2 ER visits, a specialist visit, doctors visits, and a crazy amount of meds. As much as my children sometimes drives me crazy, I couldn't wait for them to get back to normal. It was a scary and stressful week..

Mia, beautiful even after an all nighter in the ER. This child is one tough cookie

After everyone was well, my husband and I flew to Texas to attend a wedding of an old friend. Then we got stranded in Houston for an extra day after our flight home got cancelled.. thank you United..

highlights from our Texas trip. View from our room, in-n-out meal (yum) and photo booth goofiness, not including the layover in a best western and too many days of airport food.

It has been a very eventful few weeks. I've been hesitant of leaving house since, haha. Worried our bad luck may continue. I still feel as though we all still recovering from the last few weeks.. But thankfully everyone is healthy and on the mend.
 Since we've been sort of shut in while everyone recouped, I took up a new obsession.. Doctor Who. Oh my, I'm loving the show. Its something I'm enjoying on my own though, as my movie connoisseur husband can't get over the cheesiness that makes the show oh-so-wonderful. I'm gathering chicks seem to dig the show more anyway. I love the show. If you've never watched it before, I highly suggest watching season 4 episode 11 called "blink". If you can't get into that, you probably won't like the show. It takes a few episodes to get sucked in. I started with the first episode and was like, "how do people like this show?", then watched "blink", then I was pretty much hooked.

 On the fitness side of things, I have about 3 more weeks of my bulking/off season. By the end of the month I should be beginning my competition prep! I'm so enjoying bulking, though. I don't have to do cardio, I get to eat so many carbs, its wonderful.. oh and cheat meals! I've added 10 pounds since I began bulking.. they've been slow, 10 pounds over 4 months, hopefully its all muscle..As sad as I am to end bulking/ off season, I am excited to see the muscle I've built. I can see it, but because of the winter blanket I'm not shredded, like I will be. The saying is true, you can't have you cake and eat it too. You can't build muscle and remain "shredded", you also can't be "shredded" and build muscle.
 My off season has been an amazing experience in learning nutrition, and dispelling all the food myths I prescribed to. Like having a cheat meal will make you fat. Now if you have like 6 in a week, then duh, but one or even 2 meals a week isn't going to derail your work. I love my cheat meals, and I have been able to guilt free enjoy some awesome meals that in years past I wouldn't have out of fear of getting fat.

muscle under fluff, all part of the process. Looking forward to melting away that nice layer of fat

 I've also dealt with the scale. Its always been my self esteem barometer, if it wasn't going down, I wasn't good enough. Trying to not lose weight, but gain is a mind trip.. but its also been purifying. Not to say when I did step on the scale and see the numbers creeping higher, it didn't freak me out.. but it forced me to break the chains the scale has had on me. Its crazy that as I sit here, at the weight higher than I normally have maintained before all this, in jeans the smallest I've ever worn.. can you say weird? What's been encouraging on days when I feel especially fluffy, I tell myself I will never look like this again. Even though ultimately I want to accept me at whatever size, as I gain muscle and get better at this process, my body will continue to change. I'm excited for the next step in this journey, and all I'm going to learn. I'm so thankful for this process. I really feel like I've beat my eating disorder. Not to mention how this has helped me.. Its forced/helped/facilitated in me learning to love and accept myself with no strings attached, no what ifs, and despite some seriously difficult circumstances. I discovered this in the nick of time, as it came at a pivotal point in my life and my marriage.
 Speaking of marriage I have a blog post that's been sitting on my computer for about a month. Its basically some thoughts of what my life experience has taught me about marriage. What life experience you ask? Oh you know moving across country as newlyweds, getting married young, miscarriage, raising children (still have lots to learn and experience there), job loss and unemployment (same time as miscarriage.. go big or go home that's how we do it), and infidelity.. just to name a few.. yep we've been through a lot. Hopefully it will encourage others. Really that's what I want to do. I don't feel I could in any way coach or counsel anyone at this point (maybe some day if God wills).. as I'm still learning and growing on my own journey, but maybe by sharing my story I can encourage other ladies who are facing similar circumstances or challenges in their lives. When I get around to it, I will post it. Now to make dinner and clean up the pretzel crumbs my 2 year old just dumped on the carpet.

bulky bulky and the plague

lower body progress

The last 2 months my goal has been for building muscle.. I have good days where I feel like she-hulk tearing the weight room up, other days I feel like the Michelin man.. Even though I knew you can't build muscle and lose fat (unless you are a beginner), its still a bummer to not be getting trimmer..but the time will come when I can start shedding the outer coat and see the muscle that lays under. I have about 4 weeks left of my muscle building training plan, then if my trainer is happy with the progress I've made, then I will move to slowly shedding the fat. I can't wait to be in competition prep!

left- end of October, right-beginning of February

My hubby and I have been training together about 3 times a week for a few weeks now. He's doing another training plan from bodybulding.com
and has seen awesome results (I'm really jealous how well he puts on muscle.. its like he was born to do this sort of thing). His goal is to get huge.. which I really don't think will be a problem. He's already big guy, add muscle and hes a tank. He says he wants to be my arm candy. Its funny to see an IT guy who is as built as he is now, but will be really awesome when he gets as big as his goal. Breaking down stereotypes. Something tells me people won't mess with his servers much when he's 260 pounds of muscle. 

This week I'm going to be taking a ballet class. I've been meaning to this for a long time, but we've all been sick pretty much since December.. but finally I'm going. I'm sooooo excited. Its almost kind of embarrassing. I'm hoping I can make it a more regular thing. I have my athletic/physical outlet 5x a week, but I miss have a creative one. Hopefully I don't totally suck. I's been 5 years since I've taken a class, 7 since I was consistently dancing. While I remember how to do it all, I'm not nearly as flexible as I use to be.. I'm curious to see how my strength now hurts/helps doing ballet.

 

chuggin along

 I'm 2 weeks into a 12 week training plan by the amazing Brooke Erickson. I'm loving it. Its a different approach to weight training then I've done, and really I think its awesome. She follows the PHAT (power hypertrophy adaptive training) system by Layne Norton. Which you can read about it here. It basically combines typical bodybuilding training style with power lifting training style. I'm seeing little changes already, I'm looking forward to the big ones. I know its working well because I'm sore..and right where I need to be. She has me training my shoulders 3x a week and back and glutes 2x a week.
 I've also been trying to hammer out nutrient timing to ensure I get gains. The nutrition part is hard. I've gone years not wanting to want to eat.. and I got pretty good at it. Now I'm trying to not only eat more than I have ever, but also trying to time it so my body gets the most from the food. I'll get there. I love that I'm continually learning new things, trying new things. I'm not a slave to food anymore, or poor body image. I love that my view of my body isn't, "oh curse my bad genetics!" or, "why did I have to born with these hips?" to "hmm, what do I want to build?". It will be a never ending tweaking process, making what I was born with stronger, and as aesthetic that I can be.

progress

 After the end of this 12 weeks program, I will go into prep for competition. I'm really trying to make these 12 weeks count, because when prep comes, I won't really be able to add much more muscle. I'm really excited.. I'm also a bit frighted..lol.. Its such a huge step, but I want this. I'm breaking down mental barriers I set for myself. I'm saying no to the lies that have kept me feeling worthless/ ugly/ unlovable to rest by achieving something I've dreamed about for a long time and have to be self reliant to do it. Its empowering. After last year, I need to be empowered.