turning the page

 I've been trying for the last few months to get serious about my fitness.. I usually do pretty well for a week.. then I start to slack, and then I'm doing nothing but short workouts and healthy eating has been tossed out the window. I've been trying with great failure to get down to 130. I'm kind hanging in the middle of the 130s.. That seems to be my bodies comfort weight, as I tend to flux between 137 and 134. I'm trying to not get to hung up on a number though.. but I'm good at that. :) I really just want to tone up and lose fat.
 I've started Jaime eason's live fit trainer on bodybuilding.com. I'm liking that it has exactly what am I supposed to do, plus it has a menu to follow everyday. I like knowing exactly what to do. Now I just have to be disciplined and do it..
 I'm really quick to quit things when they get hard. I'm also very easily demotivated.. Its a serious fault. I wish I wasn't so easily deflated. There is so much more I'm capable of, if I didn't let myself, others, circumstances defeat me. I'm my worse enemy. I'm sick of it.. So I'm turning the page. This is really hard to type, because I know myself, I know committing is really hard for me. But I really want this. Maybe if I put it out there, and say I'm a quitter, but I'm starting something, and I'm not stopping until its done. I'm considering taking a before picture.. I've never taken one before..
 Today is day one. Its a 12 week program. My last week is the week of July 9th. I'm thinking I'm not going to  have as much of a shift on the scale, but I'm hoping that at the end, I've gained tone and definition and loss fat. I'm also aiming to gain some more speed in running, and become a better athlete. Aside from fitness goals, I'm hoping to be consistent in waking before my family and getting my workout done, as well as feeling healthier.
 In the past I've always worked out at night. After Elias, I can't do that anymore, so making the change to mornings is probably the best. Plus I always have a less sluggish day when I wake up earlier. I'm not sure what has happened to me since Elias, but my body feels old. I'm 26, and I really feel 10 years older. I've done a pretty good overhaul on my diet since the beginning of the year, and I realize its probably going to take some time to feel more healthy.. but hopefully the diet and consistent exercise will speed up the process, and regain how I should be feeling at 26.
 So here it is, my virtual soapbox, proclaiming I'm actually, really making a change, and going from purposelessly exercising and hoping little effort will garner big results to working hard and consistent toward an actual attainable goal.